Baby Nuthouse: road trip FAQ

In the year since I moved from Denver to central Iowa, I’ve gone back quite a few times to visit friends and pursue my all-time favorite hobby, snowboarding. My husband doesn’t have the flexibility of schedule that I enjoy, so he usually flies out to join us midway through the trip. As a result, it’s often just me and the three kids making the long journey across the Midwestern plains. I’m already planning a March trip, which will be my third in three months.
Following are some Frequently Asked Questions about my travels.

Q: Are you insane?
A: Possibly.

Q: Why don’t you fly?
A: You’ve obviously never been on an airplane with my children.

Q: Why don’t you just stay home?
A: You’ve obviously never been to central Iowa in winter.

Q: How do you prepare for your trips?
A: I’ll be talking to my mom on the phone, and she’ll ask if I’m all packed. I’ll say, “Not quite.” Then I’ll start a load of laundry and go find the suitcase.

Q: So, you’re always getting ready the night before your trip?
A: Technically, the morning of.

Q: How do your children handle being in the car?
A: They are usually okay for the first 30 minutes or so.

Q: How long does it take you to get out of town?
A: About 30 minutes.

Q: How long does the trip usually take?
A: Eleven hours.

Q: How long does it feel like?
A: Eleven years.

Q: How long does your five-year-old son think it takes?
A: “Freakin’ forever.”

Q: Do you regret introducing the phrase “freakin’” to your five-year-old son?
A: Deeply.

Q: How often do you stop?
A: For the first two-thirds of the trip we stop every three hours or so. The last third of the trip, we stop approximately one thousand times.

Q: What did your son say right as you left a rest stop and pulled back out onto the interstate?
A: “Mom! I need some water!”

Q: How do you give your kids a snack or drink when you don’t want to make yet another stop?
A: I have perfected the blind toss to the third row seat.

Q: Does your toddler take good naps in the car?
A: She falls asleep five minutes before we absolutely have to stop for a bathroom break.

Q: So how do you keep her entertained?
A: I hand her a toy, which she holds for a couple of seconds before shouting “NO!” and throwing it to the floor. Then I hand her another toy.

Q: How many toys do you take?
A: As many as I can find.

Q: What do you do when you run out of toys?
A: I give her the potato chips.

Q: Have you ever been stopped by an officer of the law on any of your trips?
A: Yes. I was driving through Omaha lunch-hour traffic, and the policeman said I was following too closely, even though I left as much space as anyone else around.

Q: Do you think he mistook you for a child abductor or illegal alien trafficker?
A: Yes.

Q: Did you get a ticket?
A: No, but he did say, “How many kids you got in there?”

Q: What did you tell him?
A: I said, “Just three of ‘em.”

Q: Do you think that three is an absurd number of children to have?
A: No.

Q: Did the officer ask you any other questions?
A: He asked where my husband was.

Q: Did you make a sarcastic remark?
A: No, but I thought of so many.

Q: What is the funniest thing that one of your kids has ever said on a road trip?
A: Once, after driving for hours through western Iowa and most of Nebraska, one of the boys suddenly shouted, “Look! A farm!”