Monday, August 2, 2010

An interesting day

It was the x-ray technician who informed me that I was not pregnant, although only after I made a point to ask.

I wouldn't have even gone to the doctor, but I think what pushed me over the edge was that I peed my pants.

I contemplated having a fourth child, I stuck my bra in my laptop bag, and then I contemplated my own death.

Like the title says, it's been an interesting day.

When I dropped the kids off at the "drop-in day care" (a.k.a. "absolutely the most wonderful business idea EVER"), I wasn't planning to spend my "me" time at the Urgent Care clinic. I was going to write. Because that's what I do, I drop my kids off and then I go somewhere and write.

But first, I sometimes have to run an errand or two. Today's errand was to check out my options for getting a new cell phone. I went to the AT&T store and put my name in and started browsing, but before long I started coughing. I've had this cough for about a week, and it's gotten worse, and kind of wheezy, and once I start I can't stop.

I didn't want to have a big wheezy, mucous-y, obnoxious coughing fit right there in the AT&T store--and I doubt any of the other customers wanted that either--so I left, still coughing, and walked to my car, still coughing. It was on the walk to the car that I coughed so hard and so uncontrollably that I peed my pants.

On my way home to change, I decided I should go to the doctor, because in a couple days my friend Cristina is flying out and we are going to drive down to Ventura and celebrate her birthday. And I don't want to be the dope that refused to go to the doctor and then ends up in the hospital right when they are supposed to be sitting on the beach.

So I went to the Urgent Care, where the doctor listened to my breathing and decided to do a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. Before doing an x-ray he asked if there was any chance I was pregnant. This should be a no-brainer, since my husband had a vasectomy a few years ago. But somebody never went to get checked to be absolutely sure the vasectomy worked. Since so much time has passed, we feel pretty confident and I always tell him don't worry about it. But any time my body starts acting goofy I start to wonder...and for nearly a week I have been wondering... Anyway, long story short, I wasn't sure.

So I peed in a cup.

Then the doctor came in and asked if I was wearing a bra. I nearly peed my pants again, at the thought of going out in public without wearing a bra. After having three kids, I mean, seriously.

But the point was, if I was wearing an underwire bra (I was), I would need to take it off. Since we seemed to be moving forward with the x-rays, I figured I must not be pregnant. But on the other hand, he didn't specifically say that. I was kind of thinking that as soon as they found out the results, a nurse should have come running down the hall and let me know right away. Anyway the doctor left, and I put my bra in my laptop bag, because I didn't want to leave it just lying around, you know?

And then, I was sitting there alone in the examination room, hunched over, bra-less, wondering if it was for sure that I wasn't going to have to start all over with a new precious miracle of life that makes a lot of noise and needs you all the time and can't have a conversation. I pondered that for a moment. Luckily I had a good book with me, so then I read for a while.

There was a knock on the door. It was the x-ray technician, and we walked down the x-ray room, me all kind of hunched over and awkward, and I said to him, "So, I guess this means I'm not pregnant, huh?" And he said, "Oh, were we checking for that?" And he looked at my chart and said, "Nope, you're not pregnant." And I said, "Good to know."

Then he did the x-rays, and told me to have a seat while he developed them. The doctor came in and we waited in awkward silence and then the technician came out and put the x-rays on one of those lights and they both looked at them and didn't say anything. For quite a while. I don't know much about what chest x-rays are supposed to look like, but it seemed to me that my lungs were completely black. And it also seemed to me that neither of them said anything for a very long time. And then the x-ray tech said, "You have a history of smoking or asthma?" And I said, "No, but I have seasonal allergies." And he said, "Do you have wheezing with that?" And I said, "Not really."

And then they looked at the x-rays some more. (This is the part where I contemplated my own demise.)

But then he said, "These x-rays look fine. Everything looks fine."

And then the doctor told me I have something called "the common cold."

And then he left and I put my bra on and then I came to Starbucks and wrote this.

Now I have to go pick up the kids and I still haven't been able to work on my novel. I'm not sure I would be very productive anyway; I kind of have a headache, due to sinus congestion associated with the common cold.

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