Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Really, really sick

When you’re really, really, really sick, you want someone to take care of you. If that’s not possible, you at least want to be left alone. If you’re a stay-at-home mom with small children, you only want to survive.
Here’s what happens when Julie, a mother of three, wakes up feeling really, really, really sick:
6:50 a.m.
Julie awakens to the sounds of a crying baby and a three-year-old shouting from the bottom of the stairs: “Mom! Want milk! MOM!”
6:55 a.m.
Julie waits to see if her husband will miraculously appear with a cup of hot tea, offering to spend the morning at home so she can go back to sleep. He does not.
7:00 a.m.
She rolls out of bed and shuffles down the hall to the baby’s room.
Baby: “Mama!”
Julie: “I feel terrible.”
Baby: (holding arms out) “Mama!”
7:05 a.m.
Slowly, gripping the railing for support, Julie carries the baby downstairs.
Son: “Hi, Mom!”
Julie: “I feel like I am going to die.”
Son: “Can we have pancakes?”
7:15 a.m.
Julie puts her five-year-old son in charge of breakfast. He chooses Girl Scout cookies. Julie hides the cookies and serves dry cereal. Then she crawls to the living room, sweeps all the toys off the couch and lies down.
7:18 a.m.
Daughter: “Mom! Milk! Want milk!”
Julie gets up and pours everyone some milk, then makes her way back to the couch where she curls up in a shivering, feverish ball.
7:20 a.m.
Son: “Oops! Mom! My milk spilled!”
7:40 a.m.
On the couch again, Julie finds herself being used as a tunnel by Thomas the Tank Engine and his friends. She relocates to the floor. Immediately, the baby toddles over and body slams her, WWF-style. Julie moves into a fetal position.
7:50 a.m.
The baby gets bored and sets his sights on his big brother and sister, who are playing with trains.
Baby: (points to engine) “Aba?”
Son: “No, this is mine.”
Baby: (points to another engine) “Ba?”
Daughter: “NO!”
Son: “Stop! Leave us alone! MOM!”
Daughter: “AAAAAAAA! MOM!”
Julie: “Who wants to watch cartoons?”
9:00 a.m.
Julie puts the baby down for a nap. He whines for half an hour because his naptime is usually 9:30.
9:45 a.m.
Julie lies down on the floor and promptly falls asleep.
10:45 a.m.
Julie awakens to the sounds of a crying baby and a three-year-old shouting from the kitchen: “Mom! Want milk! MOM!”
11:45 a.m.
Julie puts her son in charge of lunch. He chooses cheese crackers and tortilla chips.
12:15 p.m.
Julie puts the baby down for a nap. He fusses for 45 minutes because his naptime is usually 1:00.
1:00 p.m.
Julie puts the older children down for a nap. Her son complains because he has not taken a nap in three years. She lets him watch cartoons.
1:15 p.m.
Julie passes out on her bed.
2:00 p.m.
Son: (tapping Julie on shoulder) Mom?….Mom?…Mom!
Julie: (groggy) What? What is it?
Son: Mom, I need to tell you something!
Julie: (fully awake) What is it, honey?
Son: I decided my favorite color is blue now.
2:45 p.m.
Julie awakens to the sounds of a crying baby and a three-year-old shouting from her bedroom: “MOM! I have accident!”
3:00 p.m.
The kids enjoy an afternoon snack of cheese crackers and tortilla chips.
3:30 p.m.
More cartoons.
4:55 p.m.
Julie’s husband calls.
Julie: “You wouldn’t believe how long this day has been!”
Husband: “I’m going to be a little late.”
5:30 p.m.
Julie feeds the children toast and string cheese for dinner.
6:00 p.m.
Julie puts the baby to bed. He cries for an hour because his bedtime is usually 7:00.
6:30 p.m.
Julie starts the bedtime routine for the older two children. She falls asleep while reading Goodnight, Moon. The kids, whose bedtime is usually 7:30, go back downstairs, find the Girl Scout cookies, and turn the cartoons back on.
7:15 p.m.
Julie’s husband arrives.
Husband: “Where’s Mom?”
Son: “Who?”

1 comment:

Lesa said...

Where you spying on me last week? Thanks for changing the names of the "innocent". :) No, really. I laughed so hard I cried.